Un-responsibility in connection with the work & the money 4

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I myself or boss or other defines me as inferior – is that in all cases MCS work. Hmmmm, the first associations on inferiority are un-willingness & un-responsibility… -- I see myself as inferior when I know that I haven’t given enough / my best and when I know that I’ve chosen ignorance instead of responsibility… (or when other / me as MCS are more persuasive then common sense).

Thus direct solution is to give the best of me all the time. But because I have lived in opposite habit for most of my life, transition – change will take some time. Meanwhile I will look at the feeling of inferiority as fast as I can, I will forgive it and I will immediately do or at least put in plan what I should have already done / how should it be done…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my buddy, because she has told me what is my priority. I realize that I have just said to her ‘’I'm still working on other stuff; I just don't see that as a priority’’ instead of explaining to her what exactly am I working on and thus share myself in detail – which would be base for agreement of my process priority list… I commit myself to share myself in more details when I see disagreement rising in company of anger and thus prevent the anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be picky and spoiled in relation to jobs; I have always said that I would never go back on any working place that I have had before – within some kind of superiority… I realize that I abused that superiority position with intention to hide feelings of inferiority from myself -- I have blamed everything else & everybody else how ‘wrong / inappropriate’ it was / they were – thus I didn’t need to look at myself, my mistakes, my reactions and work through the corrections… I see that I can’t continue like that if I want to be satisfied and have my inner peace. I realize that I have to work through all the reaction soon after they occur, otherwise there will be accumulation and justifications from which I will again create the belief of how right I am and how wrong they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope that I will get a job where everything will be as it should be – dignified conditions and no braking rules / exploitation in the name of money. I see that that maybe reality in the future, but is not often situation in current time. However – that should not be my excuse for not giving everything that I’m able to give on working place - on the contrary – I’m the one who is supposed to contribute to change that I would like to see on working places – with responsibility & self-honesty.

Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 3

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow ex-boss to live me hanging / not giving me the answer related to my future income in the reasonable time. I realize that with that allowance I have send her the message, that she doesn’t have to worry about me & because I myself don’t…
But who the hell will take care of me, if I not myself… Nobody! I have to find some worth in me… I have to give myself a purpose… otherwise melancholy and depression will consume me…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as 'go with the flow' and play a 'wait and see' game -- abdicating responsibility -- instead of actually being directive. I see that these games I played had put me in a state of apathy / lethargy which is actually unpleasant and painful way to exist in… I will have to push me from the bottom and stand as willingness, as life… [sure – I’m all yawning and sleepy…, sure…] because that is common sense. Those other listed stuff are pure selfishness… bullshit… waste… of my potential. Not acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell to myself that there is no need to forward my decision to end the job to my boss – as she didn’t tell me her decision about it.
Within that I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is a question in the difference between being directive and taking responsibility - or not.
I see, that there is no need to wait for other in sense that if other will take self-responsibility, then I will fallow and if not, I don’t have to do it either… I see that in that way I can not build and straighten my self-trust. I have to stop waiting on others to give initiative for movement and I have to become that movement as taking responsibility myself. I have been waiting more than long enough and I would really like to exist in more self-trust – thus I will be more responsible and less hesitate-tible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to projecting hesitation on my boss and not seeing that I’m also the one existing into it – not only in that specific case with boss, but also in many other areas of my life. I realize that hesitation is a poison for unrealized potential in me. Therefore I will put the flagging point on it and move my ass right away when I see myself falling into it. I will be focusing on ‘immediate action’ for one week to see how it’s to be satisfied with myself again – after long time…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in and as unpractical pride pattern, where I have decided that I don’t want to bag boss for taking me back on work, because I was judging myself as inferior through the eyes of my boss – based on the mistake I’ve made. 
I realize that in that specific situation it was ‘right on time’ – as I needed more time to practice manicure, but in similar situation in the future I will have to transcend my pride and ask my money-giver if they are willing to take me back… That means that I will have to forgive myself to judge myself through their eyes and to check how intense is their judgment in reality and maybe face it and work/live with it. It may be even less painful than living on costs of someone else as I do new…  

Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 2

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my boss will be directive enough to tell me if I can keep the job after my third delay or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judging my boss as coward, because she told me many times that she is not able to tell to other ‘’negative’’ stuff / what they need to hear in their face.

I realize that I was rather focusing on her and her problems, then facing my own problems + making my own decisions; in fact, I was not directive, I was afraid to make wrong decision in both cases – if I would give the encouragement to stay / if I would give the encouragement to go… Thus I was just hanging and leaving those doors open – in case that I would really need the money earned under poor / abusing conditions…

Yesterday I realized, that I don’t even have time to go to work for the next month or two – because I have to practice the manicure - in which I invested a lot of money – if I want to pass the exam for a national vocational qualification. Thus I will send message to my hopefully ex-boss today in the evening…
Thus I have.
And she doesn’t give any answer on question if she agrees about quitting our cooperation…

  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my buddy as annoying and un-reasonable for pushing me to keep that yob. And at the same time I forgive myself for judging my cousin & my mother as overdramatic when telling me that I should not allow boss to take advantage of me.
I see that I was once again focusing on what other are saying and wasting my time with judging them, instead of self honestly investigate on all the perspectives & rather using that time to create common sense decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react on my buddy’s words ‘’and then in turn so easily inform us that you cannot contribute, which will affect us’’ with contempt – in sense that it has not been seen how I have been ‘’so easy’’ contributing from 2012 the amounts of money that I would ‘’never’’ be ready to share with anybody else in return for their services & products.

Why contempt if I have been giving my share for all those years? Because of knowing that my share could be bigger if I would not give up so easily in relation to searching, finding & keeping suitable job for myself + programing myself more effectively to be more suitable for any kind of job. It looks, like I will have to look at my picky and spoiled components – as the system will not get any kinder / more dignified in job offers… … …   

Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 1

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope that my buddy has forgot on our buddy-trainee chat, because I didn’t felt like I want to have it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not having the buddy chat with Skype telling me, that buddy is located in different state as usual – aka on visit and thus ‘’we don’t have to’’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeating to myself and later to buddy: ‘’I just don't have much to say - thus I haven't start the chat’’.

I see, that I would not have such a resistance to buddy chat if everting would be relatively normal and if I wouldn’t want to hide something from buddy / if I wouldn’t want to avoid facing some of my shit. That was somehow clear to me all the way through the chat – as I was in quite intensive chain reaction, which I haven’t stopped – because of another layer on it -- heavy feeling of overwhelmness in relation to all the writings that I have to do reading my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel generally overwhelmed with all the points that are opening simultaneously and that I ‘’should’’ give attention to through writing & I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse that situation to create the stress experience within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my buddy, with excuse that buddy is giving me additional stuff to digest – instead of explaining to my buddy that I’m still digesting two quiet long themes and that I want to finally ‘’finish’’ first phase of one of them, before opening new stuff. It’s series of blogs with title ‘’Sick guts and genitals as a result of suppression’’ based on kinesiology chat with Kim – which is still very topical – because manifested consequences on guts are still/again present… And then here it is also SRA assignment ‘’My perception of mother as negative; between age 14 – 21’’ – which I’m working on for more than 2 years already and I REALLY want to paste it and move on to new assignment.    

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I’m stuck and like I’m not moving much / effective enough [yawning] –- thus there is some true in it, but energetic feeling of stuckness & inferiority towards myself as MCS won’t help to organize myself better and to reallocate writing priorities effective (therefore I don’t allow it)… chat with buddy will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my buddy as ‘’over motivated’’ / annoying in relation to discussing financial changes in my life, which are consequently affecting them & their nearest team as well.
I see that at the same time I have been judging myself as insufficiently motivated for creating my financial independency / capability and I have been judging myself as postponed-full.

Self-honesty I was always more like go-with-the flow, whatever-will-be,will-be – also on the financial field.

After writing that down, I went to sleep, because it was already late & I felt tired. Whereupon I woke up at six in the morning and I had to go pee five times in the row in next hour! Although I was not in any situation where I could catch cold on bladder… Any explanation for that??? I helped myself with some medicine / drops and a lot of warm and it has ‘’miraculous’’ calm down btw.

I realize, that judgment of my buddy as well as of myself it’s just unnecessary layer / disturbance in attention. I see, that my attention should be directed towards finally creating patterns in myself whit which I will support myself to become & stay in financially good condition. Included self-trust, patients, persistence…  Therefore, I commit myself to stop flowing with what comes around - relating job & money + to stop judging pushing from others & my own avoidance + to start directing myself towards getting relatively satisfying job – even if I would have to try out some more work positions.