Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 2

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my boss will be directive enough to tell me if I can keep the job after my third delay or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judging my boss as coward, because she told me many times that she is not able to tell to other ‘’negative’’ stuff / what they need to hear in their face.

I realize that I was rather focusing on her and her problems, then facing my own problems + making my own decisions; in fact, I was not directive, I was afraid to make wrong decision in both cases – if I would give the encouragement to stay / if I would give the encouragement to go… Thus I was just hanging and leaving those doors open – in case that I would really need the money earned under poor / abusing conditions…

Yesterday I realized, that I don’t even have time to go to work for the next month or two – because I have to practice the manicure - in which I invested a lot of money – if I want to pass the exam for a national vocational qualification. Thus I will send message to my hopefully ex-boss today in the evening…
Thus I have.
And she doesn’t give any answer on question if she agrees about quitting our cooperation…

  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my buddy as annoying and un-reasonable for pushing me to keep that yob. And at the same time I forgive myself for judging my cousin & my mother as overdramatic when telling me that I should not allow boss to take advantage of me.
I see that I was once again focusing on what other are saying and wasting my time with judging them, instead of self honestly investigate on all the perspectives & rather using that time to create common sense decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react on my buddy’s words ‘’and then in turn so easily inform us that you cannot contribute, which will affect us’’ with contempt – in sense that it has not been seen how I have been ‘’so easy’’ contributing from 2012 the amounts of money that I would ‘’never’’ be ready to share with anybody else in return for their services & products.

Why contempt if I have been giving my share for all those years? Because of knowing that my share could be bigger if I would not give up so easily in relation to searching, finding & keeping suitable job for myself + programing myself more effectively to be more suitable for any kind of job. It looks, like I will have to look at my picky and spoiled components – as the system will not get any kinder / more dignified in job offers… … …