Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within
which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow ex-boss to live me hanging /
not giving me the answer related to my future income in the reasonable time. I
realize that with that allowance I have send her the message, that she doesn’t
have to worry about me & because I myself don’t…
But who the hell
will take care of me, if I not myself… Nobody! I have to find some worth in me…
I have to give myself a purpose… otherwise melancholy and depression will
consume me…
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to exist as 'go with the flow' and play a 'wait and see'
game -- abdicating responsibility -- instead of actually being directive. I see
that these games I played had put me in a state of apathy / lethargy which is
actually unpleasant and painful way to exist in… I will have to push me from
the bottom and stand as willingness, as life… [sure – I’m all yawning and
sleepy…, sure…] because that is common sense. Those other listed stuff are pure
selfishness… bullshit… waste… of my potential. Not acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to tell to myself that there is no need to forward my
decision to end the job to my boss – as she didn’t tell me her decision about
it.
Within that I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize
that there is a question in the difference between being directive and taking
responsibility - or not.
I see, that there is no need to wait for other in sense that if other will take
self-responsibility, then I will fallow and if not, I don’t have to do it
either… I see that in that way I can not build and straighten my self-trust. I
have to stop waiting on others to give initiative for movement and I have to
become that movement as taking responsibility myself. I have been waiting more
than long enough and I would really like to exist in more self-trust – thus I
will be more responsible and less hesitate-tible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to projecting hesitation on
my boss and not seeing that I’m also the one existing into it – not only in
that specific case with boss, but also in many other areas of my life. I
realize that hesitation is a poison for unrealized potential in me. Therefore I
will put the flagging point on it and move my ass right away when I see myself
falling into it. I will be focusing on ‘immediate action’ for one week to see
how it’s to be satisfied with myself again – after long time…
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to live in and as unpractical pride pattern, where I have
decided that I don’t want to bag boss for taking me back on work, because I was
judging myself as inferior through the eyes of my boss – based on the mistake
I’ve made.
I realize that in that specific situation it was ‘right on time’ – as I needed
more time to practice manicure, but in similar situation in the future I will
have to transcend my pride and ask my money-giver if they are willing to take
me back… That means that I will have to forgive myself to judge myself through
their eyes and to check how intense is their judgment in reality and maybe face
it and work/live with it. It may be even less painful than living on costs of
someone else as I do new…
But who the hell will take care of me, if I not myself… Nobody! I have to find some worth in me… I have to give myself a purpose… otherwise melancholy and depression will consume me…
Within that I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is a question in the difference between being directive and taking responsibility - or not.
I see, that there is no need to wait for other in sense that if other will take self-responsibility, then I will fallow and if not, I don’t have to do it either… I see that in that way I can not build and straighten my self-trust. I have to stop waiting on others to give initiative for movement and I have to become that movement as taking responsibility myself. I have been waiting more than long enough and I would really like to exist in more self-trust – thus I will be more responsible and less hesitate-tible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to projecting hesitation on my boss and not seeing that I’m also the one existing into it – not only in that specific case with boss, but also in many other areas of my life. I realize that hesitation is a poison for unrealized potential in me. Therefore I will put the flagging point on it and move my ass right away when I see myself falling into it. I will be focusing on ‘immediate action’ for one week to see how it’s to be satisfied with myself again – after long time…
I realize that in that specific situation it was ‘right on time’ – as I needed more time to practice manicure, but in similar situation in the future I will have to transcend my pride and ask my money-giver if they are willing to take me back… That means that I will have to forgive myself to judge myself through their eyes and to check how intense is their judgment in reality and maybe face it and work/live with it. It may be even less painful than living on costs of someone else as I do new…
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