Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 2

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that my boss will be directive enough to tell me if I can keep the job after my third delay or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judging my boss as coward, because she told me many times that she is not able to tell to other ‘’negative’’ stuff / what they need to hear in their face.

I realize that I was rather focusing on her and her problems, then facing my own problems + making my own decisions; in fact, I was not directive, I was afraid to make wrong decision in both cases – if I would give the encouragement to stay / if I would give the encouragement to go… Thus I was just hanging and leaving those doors open – in case that I would really need the money earned under poor / abusing conditions…

Yesterday I realized, that I don’t even have time to go to work for the next month or two – because I have to practice the manicure - in which I invested a lot of money – if I want to pass the exam for a national vocational qualification. Thus I will send message to my hopefully ex-boss today in the evening…
Thus I have.
And she doesn’t give any answer on question if she agrees about quitting our cooperation…

  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my buddy as annoying and un-reasonable for pushing me to keep that yob. And at the same time I forgive myself for judging my cousin & my mother as overdramatic when telling me that I should not allow boss to take advantage of me.
I see that I was once again focusing on what other are saying and wasting my time with judging them, instead of self honestly investigate on all the perspectives & rather using that time to create common sense decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react on my buddy’s words ‘’and then in turn so easily inform us that you cannot contribute, which will affect us’’ with contempt – in sense that it has not been seen how I have been ‘’so easy’’ contributing from 2012 the amounts of money that I would ‘’never’’ be ready to share with anybody else in return for their services & products.

Why contempt if I have been giving my share for all those years? Because of knowing that my share could be bigger if I would not give up so easily in relation to searching, finding & keeping suitable job for myself + programing myself more effectively to be more suitable for any kind of job. It looks, like I will have to look at my picky and spoiled components – as the system will not get any kinder / more dignified in job offers… … …   

Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 1

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope that my buddy has forgot on our buddy-trainee chat, because I didn’t felt like I want to have it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not having the buddy chat with Skype telling me, that buddy is located in different state as usual – aka on visit and thus ‘’we don’t have to’’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeating to myself and later to buddy: ‘’I just don't have much to say - thus I haven't start the chat’’.

I see, that I would not have such a resistance to buddy chat if everting would be relatively normal and if I wouldn’t want to hide something from buddy / if I wouldn’t want to avoid facing some of my shit. That was somehow clear to me all the way through the chat – as I was in quite intensive chain reaction, which I haven’t stopped – because of another layer on it -- heavy feeling of overwhelmness in relation to all the writings that I have to do reading my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel generally overwhelmed with all the points that are opening simultaneously and that I ‘’should’’ give attention to through writing & I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse that situation to create the stress experience within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my buddy, with excuse that buddy is giving me additional stuff to digest – instead of explaining to my buddy that I’m still digesting two quiet long themes and that I want to finally ‘’finish’’ first phase of one of them, before opening new stuff. It’s series of blogs with title ‘’Sick guts and genitals as a result of suppression’’ based on kinesiology chat with Kim – which is still very topical – because manifested consequences on guts are still/again present… And then here it is also SRA assignment ‘’My perception of mother as negative; between age 14 – 21’’ – which I’m working on for more than 2 years already and I REALLY want to paste it and move on to new assignment.    

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I’m stuck and like I’m not moving much / effective enough [yawning] –- thus there is some true in it, but energetic feeling of stuckness & inferiority towards myself as MCS won’t help to organize myself better and to reallocate writing priorities effective (therefore I don’t allow it)… chat with buddy will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my buddy as ‘’over motivated’’ / annoying in relation to discussing financial changes in my life, which are consequently affecting them & their nearest team as well.
I see that at the same time I have been judging myself as insufficiently motivated for creating my financial independency / capability and I have been judging myself as postponed-full.

Self-honesty I was always more like go-with-the flow, whatever-will-be,will-be – also on the financial field.

After writing that down, I went to sleep, because it was already late & I felt tired. Whereupon I woke up at six in the morning and I had to go pee five times in the row in next hour! Although I was not in any situation where I could catch cold on bladder… Any explanation for that??? I helped myself with some medicine / drops and a lot of warm and it has ‘’miraculous’’ calm down btw.

I realize, that judgment of my buddy as well as of myself it’s just unnecessary layer / disturbance in attention. I see, that my attention should be directed towards finally creating patterns in myself whit which I will support myself to become & stay in financially good condition. Included self-trust, patients, persistence…  Therefore, I commit myself to stop flowing with what comes around - relating job & money + to stop judging pushing from others & my own avoidance + to start directing myself towards getting relatively satisfying job – even if I would have to try out some more work positions.