Un-responsibility in connection with the work in the money 1

Base for this blog is chat with my DIP buddy within which I had a chain reaction, thus I'm writing it out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in hope that my buddy has forgot on our buddy-trainee chat, because I didn’t felt like I want to have it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not having the buddy chat with Skype telling me, that buddy is located in different state as usual – aka on visit and thus ‘’we don’t have to’’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeating to myself and later to buddy: ‘’I just don't have much to say - thus I haven't start the chat’’.

I see, that I would not have such a resistance to buddy chat if everting would be relatively normal and if I wouldn’t want to hide something from buddy / if I wouldn’t want to avoid facing some of my shit. That was somehow clear to me all the way through the chat – as I was in quite intensive chain reaction, which I haven’t stopped – because of another layer on it -- heavy feeling of overwhelmness in relation to all the writings that I have to do reading my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel generally overwhelmed with all the points that are opening simultaneously and that I ‘’should’’ give attention to through writing & I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse that situation to create the stress experience within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my buddy, with excuse that buddy is giving me additional stuff to digest – instead of explaining to my buddy that I’m still digesting two quiet long themes and that I want to finally ‘’finish’’ first phase of one of them, before opening new stuff. It’s series of blogs with title ‘’Sick guts and genitals as a result of suppression’’ based on kinesiology chat with Kim – which is still very topical – because manifested consequences on guts are still/again present… And then here it is also SRA assignment ‘’My perception of mother as negative; between age 14 – 21’’ – which I’m working on for more than 2 years already and I REALLY want to paste it and move on to new assignment.    

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I’m stuck and like I’m not moving much / effective enough [yawning] –- thus there is some true in it, but energetic feeling of stuckness & inferiority towards myself as MCS won’t help to organize myself better and to reallocate writing priorities effective (therefore I don’t allow it)… chat with buddy will.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my buddy as ‘’over motivated’’ / annoying in relation to discussing financial changes in my life, which are consequently affecting them & their nearest team as well.
I see that at the same time I have been judging myself as insufficiently motivated for creating my financial independency / capability and I have been judging myself as postponed-full.

Self-honesty I was always more like go-with-the flow, whatever-will-be,will-be – also on the financial field.

After writing that down, I went to sleep, because it was already late & I felt tired. Whereupon I woke up at six in the morning and I had to go pee five times in the row in next hour! Although I was not in any situation where I could catch cold on bladder… Any explanation for that??? I helped myself with some medicine / drops and a lot of warm and it has ‘’miraculous’’ calm down btw.

I realize, that judgment of my buddy as well as of myself it’s just unnecessary layer / disturbance in attention. I see, that my attention should be directed towards finally creating patterns in myself whit which I will support myself to become & stay in financially good condition. Included self-trust, patients, persistence…  Therefore, I commit myself to stop flowing with what comes around - relating job & money + to stop judging pushing from others & my own avoidance + to start directing myself towards getting relatively satisfying job – even if I would have to try out some more work positions.